Dear Anne,
I have a sensitive problem. Or, rather, a complex one. Here’s the background:
I’ve been hormonally screwed up for years (See Hormones). For the past couple of years, I’ve taken testosterone in the form of a gel rubbed on my upper arms once a day. A shrink prescribed it for me primarily to help with depression (low testosterone contributes greatly to depression in the aging male). The first of the year, I changed insurance carriers and suddenly the new guys want all kinds of documentation before they’ll cover the gel. The end result is that I’ve been without it for almost three months.
I guess I’d become dependent on the stuff. I mean, when I started, my blood work showed me at the low end of normal in testosterone — so I wasn’t really deficient. But since going off the gel, I’ve lost all interest in sex (hard to believe, I know), and MY WIENER HAS SHRUNK UP TO ABOUT HALF ITS FLACCID SIZE!
As you can imagine, this is rather disconcerting.
But (and this brings me to the point, I swear), there is one interesting development I’d like to discuss with you. Not only has my wiener turned into a Vienna sausage, the shaft has retracted somehow, causing the head of my circumcised thing to creep back up and under the skin that covers the shaft. In short: it’s like having foreskin.
I was circumcised as an infant and have been pissed off about it ever since, so this new experience is actually quite fun. I know, I still don’t have the extra skin that was lopped off and the wonderful network of nerve endings it contained. But the sensation of my thing ‘turtling up’ is wonderful. I’ve even started to notice a little cheese forming around the head, just like real uncircumcised guys get, and the unique odor they have is also present. It’s a gas!
Here’s my question: When I get back on the gel and all returns to normal, is there anything I can do to get foreskin back on my cut wiener? Is there a transplant they can do or something like that? Or am I destined to be ‘half a man’ until the day I die?
Anxiously,
Jazz
Dear Jazz,
How nice to hear from you! And in such a frank and self-revealing way, too! There are special circumstances around your question, but the basic question is the same that many thousands of men ask every day: Can I get my foreskin back?
I’m sorry to say, ‘not really.’ Once it’s gone, it’s gone.
I believe the circumcision of infants or of anyone younger than, say 20, is tantamount to mutilation. It’s a throwback to the Puritanical side of our Judeo-Christian roots. Who knows why God told the Jews to circumcise their babies? But the New World Christians did it, too. They told themselves it was healthier and cleaner, but the truth of circumcision was to limit the amount of pleasure a man could experience in sex — which was, of course, to occur only in the making of babies. Today, although circumcision is becoming less popular, the act is still justified by parents who insist that a foreskin leads inevitably to disease and will cause their boy to be ridiculed in the shower after gym class — which is silly claptrap nonsense, of course.
Parents, please. I implore you to remember that our creator, who or whatever you perceive that to be, put that little extra skin there for a reason. Don’t second guess the Deity by slicing it off like so much fat from a less than choice cut of chicken. Remember that the most sexually sensitive part of the male genitalia is the foreskin. When you cut it off, you’re cutting off about 40% of the pleasure your boy will experience in sexual activity, whether for making babies or not.
Now, Jazz, back to your problem. The part you can’t get back is the nerves. You may be able to have skin covering the head of your wanger, but it will never produce the feeling natural foreskin does as it rolls back and forth during the sex act. That rolling is an essential part of having foreskin. Did you know that? When cut guys masturbate, they often have to use spit or some kind of lubricant to really enjoy the activity. That’s because what skin they have left is pulled tight and doesn’t roll as it’s supposed to. Uncut guys may use lube but usually have fabulous experiences dry, letting the foreskin roll gently back and forth over the glans (that’s the head, if you don’t know).
It’s hard to describe: but for a cut guy, the hand slides back and forth over the shaft, while for an uncut guy, the skin slides and rolls over the shaft. It’s a subtle but significant difference.
I know you must be wondering how I, Dear Anne herself, know so much about wieners, foreskin and masturbation. It goes back many years to the time I spent with the Magumba tribe in New Guinea. I was there doing anthropological work and lived as a member of the tribe for two years. The Magumba wear no clothing, so observing which men were circumcised and which weren’t was easy. Oh, they do have circumcised men in the tribe: the Jewish Magumbans follow the old traditions of Jews everywhere — they circumcise their boys just as Jews in Israel do. So you have a mix. The Magumbans also have no inhibitions when it comes to masturbation and it’s not unusual at all to come upon a group of men pounding away in unison without any sense of embarrassment, inappropriateness or shame. It was during these encounters that I learned the truth about foreskin, its purpose and function during sex. It’s also where I learned that a girl can accomplish amazing things when she just takes a deep breath and relaxes!
Here are some options for creating a fake foreskin (one without the nerves). You should be able to find a foreskin kit online or in a novelty shop. They usually consist of a series of weights and Velcro fasteners that enable you over time to stretch what skin you have so that it covers your glans. Results vary greatly and I really can’t recommend this cheap and cheesy method. The alternative is to go to a plastic surgeon and ask him to create a foreskin for you out of skin from your butt or underarms. This is the most fool-proof method, but caution. As long as you’re doing the foreskin, you may think you might as well add a few inches of length or girth to your thingy. At this moment there is no method of doing that that is permanent or aesthetically pleasing. Most methods involve injecting your wiener with fat from other parts of the body making it look like an overdone Kielbasa that’s been run over by a car. The fat is usually absorbed back into the body in a period of months, leaving you pretty much where you started . . . so what’s the point? I’d put that off for a few years to allow the state of the art to progress.
Instead of taking either of those routes, I’d suggest you take a weekend, check yourself into a nice spa somewhere and spend a few days getting reacquainted with your thing-a-ma-bob. Experience its majesty and wonder. Learn to love it just the way it is. Think of all the things that are better about being cut rather than uncut (for example, not having to carry a piece of toilet paper with you to the urinal so you can wipe after taking a piss). Then, when you emerge from your stay and rejoin the world, get involved with one of the groups that’s dedicated to the education of parents on the barbarous practice of circumcision!
I hope this helps and let us all salute the amazing foreskin! Long may it wave!
— Anne